When things seem out of control, it can be a natural tendency to try and control things that are in your domain. Right now, that might be grocery shopping for an elderly relative, sewing masks, or organizing family meet-ups online.

These are all great ways to find comfort at a time when you need it most. Where you can run into trouble is when you try to control things that are outside your sphere of influence. There are more questions than answers right now, and if you’re used to being in the driver’s seat, there’s a good chance this is causing discomfort.

WHERE DOES CONTROL STEM FROM?

Control is almost always rooted in fear. If you hate being late or had some terrible experiences with teachers who called you out for begin late, there’s a good chance you like to be in full control of your schedule at all times. As humans, we try to control things because we’re scared of the outcome if we don’t.

Fear is also the foundation of anxiety – always fearing the worst-case scenario – which can often lead to a vicious cycle of fear and worry masked as control, when in fact, there is no control at all. The first thing to remember is that fear is an allusion and while it appears real, there’s always a number of possible outcomes on the table.

IDENTIFYING WHAT YOU CAN & CANNOT CONTROL

The first step of letting go of things you cannot control is first getting clear on what is in your domain and what is not. Things that absolutely fall within your control – because you can change or amend them – include your own behaviors and actions, your reactions and emotions, what you eat, wear, and generally how you spend your time.

You may not be able to go to the gym right now, but you still have control over how you choose to move and exercise your body. On the other hand, things you cannot control include the behavior of your spouse, family, or neighbors.

You can do your best to positively influence their decisions, but ultimately that control lies with each individual. Other things you cannot control include the health of others, what people think of you, and decisions made by authorities, such as the government.

REDEFINING CONTROL: WHY IT’S OKAY TO LET GO

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF CONTROL?

When it comes to controlling things within our domain, control can be a positive thing. On-time appointments, efficient scheduling, and things done your way. But what are the real benefits of trying to control things outside your domain?

Often times, this path is the least valuable and least productive one, yet as humans, we march onwards regardless. Since the outcome of things outside our domain is less predictable, control helps to push for things to happen the way you want it to.

Take the current COVID-19 pandemic for example. The outcome may be unclear, but you at least know you want life to return to normal as soon as possible. You also know social distancing will help get us there faster, so you take all the necessary precautions that are within your domain – hand washing, postponing or canceling gatherings, and ensuring you keep your distance while exercising.

Demanding that neighbors follow the same rules or trying to control how many people go to your local grocery store at any given time may feel like helping, but you’re actually causing yourself more stress in the process.

How do you break out of the cycle of trying to control the things you cannot? Get ready to feel okay living a little more in the unknown when you can begin redefining control.

EMBRACE TRUST

Believe there are options other than the worst-case scenario. Trust in yourself and your thoughts. This doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen. They will, but they don’t have to happen all the time.

BE PRESENT

Ground yourself in the present moment and escape spiraling thoughts of things you think you must control in the future.

IDENTIFY FREEDOM

What does freedom mean to you? If you’re free, you’re at peace with yourself and trust the process at work. Write down what freedom looks like to you and keep the list near. Remind yourself the need for control hurts your ability to be free.

USE AFFIRMATIONS

Practice affirmations daily, especially in times of high stress and anxiety. Repeat something like, “I am okay without control,” or “There is no need for control.” to help you let go more often.

VISUALIZE

Use your own internal imagery to visualize and compare the effort between trying to control things outside your domain versus letting go. Use something like a marathon – grueling and challenging – versus sitting down with a good book.

TAKEAWAY

Surrendering control can be difficult, especially if you use it as a comfort or crutch during times of high stress. Recognizing what you can and cannot control and accepting that is a great place to begin reevaluating your relationship with and redefining control.

Remember, nothing lasts forever and even the toughest times end eventually. Feeling the need to have control doesn’t make a particular situation better, despite how your brain may process that feeling. The reality is, things go much more smoothly when we allow them to happen instead of making them happen. By understanding what it is that you can control, you can begin to be more mindful about where your energy is being directed and live a more stress-free life.